Tuesday, January 10, 2012
How can I face going back to cl after humiliating myself?
I'm a freshman in college, and I have this small acting cl that I'm in. There is less than 20 people, but they are really rude and snobby. It reminds me of junior high and I hate it. And my professor is a grad student and he is the worst! He is like that rude dumb pretentious frat guy type, and he thinks he is the most brilliant person in the world when it comes to acting. Okay now I will get to how I humiliated myself. He made everyone in go up in front of the cl and talk about themselves. But not in the normal way. I got up there and he just starts asking me things like "If the whole world was about to end and you only had 5 minutes to say everything about yourself and your life that would be written down in history what would it be blah blah blah". I have a really hard time talking about myself and am a really private person because for the past 3 years I had been dealing with SEVERE depression. I dropped out of school and just completely secluded myself. In April I over dosed and ended up in the hospital for a week. I didn't graduate, I got my GED and worked SO HARD this summer to get into college. My point is that I am a little emotionally unstable and it is really difficult for me to talk about myself without getting emotional. So he goes on interrogating me about what I "believe" in and won't elaborate. So I am up there having a hard time and making a complete idiot out of myself and all the rude girls are laughing and they all just think I am crazy. So I tried to explain myself in a way that wouldn't reveal too much and make me uncomfortable. He was asking about something I was pionate about that doesn't affect me, like a cause or something. I was trying to be honest so I said something along the lines of "At this point in my life, I really don't have a cause I am pionate about because I think at this age it's okay to be a little self centered. Right now I want to concentrate on myself and who I am and I think later on I'll have something I am pionate about but right now I'm just okay with being selfish." But I didn't say that so eloquently and just made a total idiot out of myself. And he just wouldn't accept that answer and just kept making me babble on and on just embarrassing myself. Then when I sat back down I started crying and it was so horrible! Right after, class let out. That was on monday, and I have the class again tomorrow and I just don't know how to deal with the awkward embarrassment. The girls are so bitchy and I hated the class before and I hate it even more now.
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