Is there any substitute for actual limes that won't make my Corona taste like inflamed goat rectum?

You can always try whats called a Corona Limon. Just fill the neck of the bottle where its empty almost up to the lip with Bacardi Limon, flip it as if you just put a lime in it and ENJOY!! Its really really tasty and you've got a shot and a beer in one step. Soooo yummy!!!